into you like a train

Friday, June 5, 2009

cuss words and critiques

i seem to have an ailment worse than common flu. it's called not-wanting-to-leave-the-house-in-case-i-might-not-be-indie-enough-for-this-city-or-perhaps-nobody-will-ever-want-to-publish-my-book fever. i suggest you do not come closer, as it may be contagious.

if i could try and diagnose myself i'd say i'm suffering from a cold chill with a boat of despair, due to a lapse in self-confidence. once again i do stress that you do NOT come near me. i might just depress you and you may want to slap some sense into me.

this city is too much for me at times.in fact, it is so infectious, so conscious, so vain and insecure and utterly RADICAL that i can only be in it for a short period of time before saying i need to go home and collect myself. there's just so much to see. so much to buy, eat, drink, hear. there are also thousands of others just like me who also want a piece of it. a biiig, fat piece of it too, and as swallowed as i am, i cannot help feeling more and more constricted every day. this generation is a great contest for the top spot. we awesome people are perhaps not so awesome, really. i think we should all stop what we are doing and descend. after all, we're all just people. people trying, people striving, people trying to find out who we are and secretly, perhaps when you're alone and not surrounded by awesomeness, you may feel, 'gosh. do i make the cut? am i really as awesome as the next person? or is this one big sham that i, the non-conformist extraordinaire, am conforming to?'

conform to non-conformism my friends. make an appearence and celebrate yourselves. but do not forget reverence.

we, inanimate.

we, the soldiers.
we, kings.
we are revolutionists.
we,
boys in bands and smokes and things

me, i am kneeling at an angle
knees in the dirt, wide angle, wide!
the lens is filtering the sun to capture the sky.
the smoke hangs hazy
people toss their hair
the distortion! ah noise
we hold our drinks as we punch the air
the band is playing
she's up against the wall
she's kissing the band boy
his skin and all.

girl - she's explicit.
boys, illicit.
have your fun.drink up drink it all.
forget where you are
go home in a taxi.

don't worry that he saw you
don't mind he's there
you've got your fame
your malboro/fedora
your next day press

you light up another, because you dare.

get chewin'

just found 'chew magazine,' an online glossy magazine for the new generation? hey, this might be a way to finally get myself published. now i must think of an appropriate contribution without coming across as though i were trying too hard.

'raise my rent' - by ericforfriends

the day I move out of home might look something like this.

you're just some racist who can't tie my laces

will i ever be enough?

every day alive takes up twice my energy and leaves me unsatisfied.

was once hail mary

then again, she made me go to mass every sunday. i hated all that kneeling.

illiterate.

two sided profile

look at me, then look away.

am subsiding

dear reader

i have come to a conclusion that the world is too much. i've been feeling quite empty lately, probably because when everything is just fanatical and busy and overbearing (such is life) and people are coming at me from all directions, yelling 'buy me!' or 'look, look at me!' making me feel insecure and shapeless and hapless, and just small small small I resort to simply feeling empty, because if I were to be anything else I would be insufficient.
I have also concluded that I have no readers anyway. As I said in previous pieces, who will take me seriously? impassible versus impossible. what am i among the kids, with their backstreet hair cuts, painfully touching (art) blog contributions, people with success and cars, kids again who kiss boys in bands and have photos taken of them as if underground urban celebrity.
i am none of these.
god, i don't even capitalise my 'i's'.
I is a word used too often here and there and everywhere.

One day, when I am big I'd like to be a freelance journalist. I'd like to have time, no day job or power cuts or boy troubles or self troubles at least! just me, my keyboard, my coffee (and it doesnt have to be vida!) and my brain working as if oiled new and slick for a new and rainy day of analysis, arguments and a whole lot of bloody cheek, until i can finally and ultimately GET SOMEONE TO HEAR ME THE FUCK OUT.

there is no time. life is not enough time.
there will be time, time for romance, time for projects. time to meet, time to fight.
i am never enough. never awesome enough. never me enough. surround yourself with awesome people, who write about their days in blogs. sit slumped with drink in hand at gigs, sling back your hair, dance with hands above your tilting head. make out with a girl. pretend pretend!
visit the biscuit mill and pose a bit more. design and sew your own clothes and be an indie kid. do you know, do you know? you're trying in vain to stand out from the rest, when all you're doing, kids, is fitting straight in.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

je t'aime

from now on i will be blogging stuff that i come across that i think is cool. 'stuff' and 'cool' equals my list of interests, material things that i may come across that catch my eye.

je t'aime

gumboots from journey, long street.