paranoid android

it's the end of the day and time to reflect on why exactly did aimee freak out on campus today?

well, for starters she jumped on a jammie shuttle without a clue as to where it would take her, but she jumped on anyway so she wouldn't look like a fool of a first year standing at the bus stop watching bus after bus go by while holding a map.

the bus,by the way, took me to tugwell and i managed to find my way from there. but for the record, don't bother asking directions there. you will be brushed off pretty quickly. it's hard to tell who's friendly and who's not, because everyone is a stranger to me. any one of them might turn nasty and bite me.

secondly i was in a flat panic after being given talk after talk about societies, student health, multiple pieces of paper and not a lot of reassurance. the world has suddenly become wide and massive - a portal that has become open to me which i have never experienced before.

there is so much happening, so many socials and parties and guys and girls and sporting events and sexual tension.

i am so overwhelmed. i could just cry.

be like the water

somebody gave me a bruce lee quote to read (not that i am well acquainted with bruce lee's philosophies nor do i know much about him) and it said i should be like water.

reasons i want to be like water:

water fits into the cup and the kettle.
water is beautiful
water is ph balanced
water is supple
water is fluid
water is life-giving
it, in itself, is neither living nor non-living
water is clean, and it cleans things.
it washes away grief and grime and regrets.
water makes up oceans.
tears are made of water
water can be drank and thus consumed.
water is what tears are made of.
water can generate electricity.
water nurtures the growth of plants
water can fall from the sky when clouds burst
water is never predictable.
water may spill over and flood
water can fill a glass, or be either half empty or half full, depending how you see the world.
water can fill your lungs and drown you.
water is pure and soft.
our bodies are 70 percent water.
infants are baptised in water, and promised as a sacrement.
when water is scarce things become dry and senseless and desolate, like during a drought or famine.
water is shape-shifting
water can be blessed and made holy. you can cross yourself with it upon entering a church.
water can be turned into wine by the miracle-maker
water cools you on hot days.
it can be served with ice, which is a solid form of water.

because everyone's doing it

when do you say no. and when is yes appropriate?
just because they're all doing it and you don't know and you're not too sure but you wanna and they wanna but you feel like it's a no?

i don't know. i am in chaos and confusion.
i keep seeing people, people with skins of all variety, different shoes and socks, the way they walk and talk, everything. i see them all and they're so different, all of them. i am one of them, but one in twenty thousand. in being so i am lost and blank. i am nothing to be appraised, nothing special or marvellous or exceptional. every person who walks or runs or saunters past me, every person i pass - they all have aspirations, intelligence, ambitions. they're like me, because they all want to be somebody. but I, in this headache of creativity and ego and crisis, i am alone. i am unable to distinguish the superficial from the real, the friend from foe. it's a major blur before my eyes. i lose my balance easily. my brain presses against my skull. my heart flutters and my legs go numb.

university etc.

sitting on the jammie steps
show at the little theatre
studying great literature
the library
trying to find a parking spot in middle campus
the dean's list
making a mockumentary about hipsters in cape town
writing analytical literary essays
reading poetry
getting my eyes tested
procrastinating
springboks with the other meagre little first-years
living up to faculty stereotypes
interviewing
getting hit on by stupid jocks
rejecting them.
watching lonely island instead of doing my assignment due in the next couple of hours.

somebody fainted. who was it that fainted, tom?

i'm going to make this quick.

i have decided three things.

1. i'm taking french as a subject at university next year.
2. my first date of the year is going to be at ari's souvlaki, that greek place in sea point. the one where they serve wine in glass tumblers and are never shy with the garlic. toothbrushes mandatory.
3. life's too short to have an ugly boyfriend.

i am in france, and no, they do not neglect the underarm area to grow wild and impressive. neither do they have moustaches, regardless of gender or eat frogs' legs. however, they do buy baguettes with their newspapers each morning, make a table affair of every meal and with every said meal there is bread and cheese. roquefort, i learned, has mould cultures growing on it. and bread is never placed on the plate. it is always put on the table.

i am also going to adapt my novel into a screenplay this year. there will be time for creativity, i think.
'ain't you a funny girl; eliza. ain't ya. you're cheeky, you are, and brazen. and you never take no for an answer.'