Thursday, July 10, 2008

'reduced to clear'

Recent googled topics:

Nuclear warfare
Atomic bombs
Clockwork Orange
Sustainability in business

It’s amazing how many songs suddenly speak to me even more, how I can relate to them on a deeper level now that I’ve experienced being sorry in the morning. I watched Grey’s Anatomy, and like Meredith, I feel like the president of people with crappy lives. Meredith, and her tequila thing, her inappropriate men thing. Why does she do it? She’s insecure, doesn’t’ know who she is, and perhaps feels entitled to do some moaning and then some drinking, because she’s had a bad day, what with sutures and choosing between two hot doctors and all. There’s something ‘dark and twisty’ about her, even though she tells her friends that it’s not her they should be worried about...yet she is ‘scary and damaged,’ kind of like how I feel right now.

I am 'reduced to clear.'

I find myself asking where on earth I fit. It's as if I have the label - I'm on sale., I'm on the shelf to be inspected and admired...or criticized. Whichever you choose. Maybe I'm the second choice, the one who is left over, once all the others have been sold. Once the dance floor has been cleared I'll be there, still waiting for the one whose two black shoes will never appear before my lowered eyes.

I feel like the girl from the bar...just a girl in a bar, like Meredith. I don’t trust boys anymore. I know that this is in the ABC of growing up, though I need some juju. I need a sign. I need to be loved, yet I’m not willing to let anyone close. My judgement (or lack thereof) is now going to be contained in my head and not in a glass bottle.
I liked to push people, to see how far I could go. I liked to play with my food, but I never ate it. I was curious, I was impatient. Now I don’t care for games anymore. No more engagement for me. I’m making sure I am not misunderstood again, and misjudgements will be saved for baking muffins and not for stupid boys.
I don’t believe anymore. I am a stranger to myself. I never counted on this. Now, now darling, it’s just text book, now darling; now don’t lose your head.

1 comment:

Tala Azar said...

it works, except when you fall in love, and you don't know how to tell him without scaring him off. once you were friends - now what? now you're so careful that you don't know how to risk anything.
(not you - me.)

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