Monday, October 11, 2010


I have been underwater all day and I feel I need to write about it.

sometimes things get too much, even when you tell yourself you can handle them. my expectations of myself are weighing me down, pressing on my shoulders and choking me like water in my throat. my legs feel weightless, as if i were walking in limbo. i can't cry. i don't know what it is but i can't cry. i can talk myself into a frenzy and then, at a sudden loss for words, struggle to convince myself otherwise.

after the interview i had to take a moment to recollect myself. it's never as bad as it seems. no one is out to get me. i can relax. it's over. it's up to them now. i know that i must not doubt myself, whatever the outcome. i must take deep breaths. i must not see every other person as a threat. at that moment i just let clyde hold me and tell me i did everything i could do and that everything would be okay. i still feel like the next few days are going to be nervous ones, as i wait for an answer. i am caught in a mesh of conflicting feelings, some telling me yes, this is too exciting for words, others wishing to be relieved. i just can't wait for this to be over.

how can i help it?

i am nothing but a flighty sparrow.

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